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| Wow, it's been a long time, it's not like i don't get on here, i usually just read my quote subscriptions, but it seems like no one even updates those anymore.
I'm in a weird mood tonight. I feel very close to rock bottom and idk what to do about it. well, there's too much to do about it, quite frankly. I don't know what to think. I need a job. I need money. that's why my life sucks. if i had money, i wouldn't be stressed, i wouldn't smoke and drink all the time, i wouldn't feel too overwhelmed to even do anything at all. I'm just in a very hard spot in life right now, and i know how to get out i think, but it's a lot easier to say than to do, and it's going to take a lot of time that i don't have. i go to school like it's my job, i go to work like it's the chiropractor, and i party like i don't have anything to lose.
but that's the thing, i have everything to lose. right now everything i'm doing is just an investment for the future, but I'm so focused on it that the only way i can live in the presesnt is by getting fucked up.
the thing is, i have a job that i can get no more than 2 shifts a week at, and theres always someone to pick up a shift so it's like optional wether i work or not, and it's not like i make enough to pay any bills with what i do make, so i just feel like what's the point? I need a new job, but i'm so over my graduation date at school that i don't want to leave school early to get one. Oh, and another thing, starting this saturday, school will now be open on saturday, which means one less day of working or partying.
I love doing hair, i love doing nails, i love doing make up, but it seems like such a waste of time right now when i can barely afford to eat on a regular basis. Im so behind on all my monthly bills that i don't know how im going to catch up,
Look- I realize that everyone's having money problems right now, i know I'm just whining and crying, but I was so depressed when i was living with my parents that i couldn't function then either. ugh will i ever be happy? I really want to make myself happy.
I feel so out of touch with my family, my friends, God, and even my cat. obviously there's a problem here, and i know that i'm it.
also, kirk and i broke up in february for good. he won't even talk to me now, he deleted me from his myspace and facebook. I mean i've been doing fine with out him but lately i can't stop thinking about him. I checked his facebook today and it looks like he has moved on. well good for him. i don't want to be with him anymore, but sometimes i do miss the good times that we had. he was dumb as fuck but he was a lot of fun to be with, my first love, and i know i will always love him. but i don't want to think about it because i am already too sad.
kd moved in with me. my lease is up on 10/31 and we were talking about getting a house together, but lately.. she's been talking about living with cody, her kind of boyfriend. ugh that pisses me off too. ugh im just so mad at everything in my life and i just want to get away from everything but i don't know how.
i just got really hot thinking about kirk and caitlyn and everything else in my life and i just can't seem to find one thing that will ever go right for me. i feel so incomplete and useless and lifeless and worthless right now. i just want it to go away and leave me alone forever.
i need some real friends. i need to be a real friend. i need a job. i need to lose weight. i need to get financially stable. i need to live. don't i?
:(
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| WHAT THE FUCK WHY THE FUCK CANT I EVER BE HAPPY I MEAN LIKE SERIOUSLY WHATS THE FUCKING POINT OF MY FUCKING LIFE nothing ever goes right. i cant handle this. why do i always have so much fucking shit going on in my life. where the fuck did i go wrong? i really cant handle this. i don't want to be alive anymore. | | |
| im so fucking sick and tired of everyone telling me im a horrible kid with a horrible attitude. i didnt believe it for the longest time but i guess theres no fucking sense in fighting it anymore. FUCK LIFE.FUCK EVERYTHING. | | |
| and i just want someone to talk to, but my friends have their own problems. i miss emily. i miss everything :[ | | |
| okay so i am completely stupid because im back with my stupid ex boyfriend again. and he's still talking to the girl he broke up with me for. i don't like it and i don't want to tell him what to do or anything, but UGH. i told him it made me uncomfortable and he said he would stop so like a dumbass i believed him, and found out he was still doing it anyways. i just don't understand why she's that important because we went out for 2 years, and then broke up, and he went out with her for 2 months, and now she wont stop talking to him she's telling everyone she's going to steal him back from me, whcih i realy dont appreciate. so i talked to him about it again and told him why it makes me so uncomfortable and he kinda blew me off and said he'd stop again... but i just looked at her myspace and he's her like number 2 or 3. fuck myspace. fuck liars. UGH i sooo do not want to get hurt again. i have no clue what to do. i love him but i can't trust him and UGH. :[ fuck love. and i know what i probably should do but at the same time i dont want to do it because i dont want to be overreacting. which i probably am because i overreact about everything. god this is all so fucking confusing. and he knows something is wrong with me but he won stop talking about a dumb fucking tv show. i dont know what to doooo. :[ im so sad. | | |
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